"Apps Are a Last Resort" — Are Gen-Z Suffering From Dating App Shame?

Originally published in Popsugar UK: https://www.popsugar.co.uk/rel...

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that the online dating world is quite literally your oyster. There are countless apps you can use like Feeld, Bumble, Hinge and Tinder to name a few, with varying features to make your journey to love as customisable and personal as you'd like. You may have heard of a few dating app horror stories, and just as many (or not) success stories, of people meeting the love of their lives online, or coming across the worst possible human after swiping right on Tinder. There are endless possibilities with online dating and it's become a common way to meet people, especially in the digital age.

But despite their popularity, there's still some odd feelings around dating apps, both from those who have committed to using them and from those who are yet to take the plunge. Some even confess to holding back on telling friends and family that they met a new partner on a dating app. Are Gen Z catching dating app shame as much as they're catching feelings?

According to a recent survey by dating app Pure, 85% of respondents described their online dating experience as "below average" or "a nightmare," citing challenges such as ghosting, a lack of genuine connections, and an over-reliance on superficial interactions through dating apps.

Dating expert Drew Wyllie tells PS UK that this comes as no surprise. "Gen Z are seeking more serious dating options and concepts like monogamy are gaining popularity. Young people are tired of endless swiping and throwaway connections, so dating apps need to cater for this change instead of pushing people into matches based purely on looks."

This translates for Katie, a lawyer who has been tempted to look for love online, but admits to being "put off" by horror stories. "I'd also be a little bit shy to sign up as I've never used a dating app before so I'd feel like a fish out of water," she says.

Katie explains that while she isn't looking for a relationship yet, she's always envisioned having a meet-cute like the protagonists in the rom-coms she loves. "Everyone wants to have a nice story to share about how they met their partner and while I wouldn't feel ashamed to tell my friends (as we swap dating stories all the time, and signing up to a dating site is like catching a cold in the winter), I would feel very uncomfortable telling my parents if I met someone online."

"I would feel very uncomfortable telling my parents if I met someone online."

Similarly, university student Lana would be "nervous" to tell her mum that she met someone online and wants to prioritise meeting people in real life first. "Using dating apps wouldn't be my first choice. I'm a bit of an old-fashioned hopeless romantic and would love to meet someone naturally and in a meet-cute type of situation ... but I believe they're okay if you use them in a safe way, instil boundaries and don't get swept up too fast.

"For me, dating apps are sort of a last resort," she adds. "But I think I, and many others, need to start putting ourselves out there again and going to IRL events and singles nights, or start flirting in real life which is just daunting."

Anna, a young professional who's yet to conquer the dating world, believes in being able to meet a long term partner online and is open to potentially using dating apps one day "as a fun way to meet new people," but isn't overly keen on getting stuck in the "online phase," personally preferring to meet someone in real life too. "It's easy to hide behind a screen when you first start dating and I've realised the right person can be found anywhere, you just have to show up as your most authentic self," she tells us.

"I believe [dating apps] are okay if you use them in a safe way, instil boundaries and don't get swept up too fast."

But, if Anna did meet someone online, she says she'd happily tell people how they met, even though not all generations are used to it. "I wouldn't mind telling my friends and family that I met someone on a dating app. I haven't started dating yet so it would be quite out of the box for me and I reckon people would be quite surprised."

The varying stances on dating online are an eye-opener, especially for the hopeless romantics of Gen-Z who are sold a different story on how to find "the one" compared to the generations before them. Hope Flynn, founder of female empowerment and community So What? tells PS UK that there are a few reasons why some may be sceptical of dating apps, and they're pretty understandable.

"People may choose to avoid dating apps or refrain from sharing that they've met someone online because for one, we've all grown up with those dreamy ideas of bumping into 'the one' in a meet-cute type of way so meeting someone on a dating app can feel a bit cold and like it's missing that magical spark that you always dreamed of having. Or some may remember when online dating had that 'only for desperate people' reputation? Even though those days are long gone and lots of us use them, some people still carry that outdated stigma in the back of their minds.

"Others may have a fear of being judged," she continues. "Let's face it — no one wants to feel judged and some people worry that others might see their relationship as less authentic just because it started with a swipe, and not through magically crossing paths. Then there are a lot of people who swear they'll never use a dating app, only to end up finding someone they're really into through one. So having to admit they changed their mind and actually met their partner can feel a bit awkward for them."

"The majority of our lives are now online; socialising, shopping, and streaming. Meeting someone through an app is just another way we connect in today's digital world."

But Flynn is certain any remaining scepticism around dating apps is slowly but surely dwindling following the monumental cultural impacts of Covid, social media and the digital age.

"The majority of our lives are now online; socialising, shopping, and streaming. Meeting someone through an app is just another way we connect in today's digital world, plus, more and more people are finding real, long-lasting love on apps. So the idea that you can't find something meaningful online is totally outdated and people are more open to trying it out," she says.

"Additionally, there's an app for everyone, whether you're looking for something casual or the real deal, there's an app for that, meaning it's easier than ever to find exactly what you're after," Flynn continues. "Anyway, once you've met someone great, how you met becomes less important. It's all about what happens after that first connection, not how it started. So while some people might still feel a little funny about admitting they met their partner on a dating app, the truth is it's just another way to meet someone these days - there is absolutely no shame in finding love, no matter how you get there!"